To those who know or keep up with me primarily through social media it probably feels like I have been really bent out of shape for the past 4 years. To a certain degree that is true. Over the past 24 hrs, for obvious reasons, I’ve been evaluating/considering my feelings and frustrations and over the next little while I’ll be trying to work through them in the way that has worked best for me over the years: writing.
As I sat down to make an outline of all the things that have frustrated me I was kind of overwhelmed, but also realized my angst and disappointment stretch back far further than the last 4 years. I’ve always been interested in the world around me, and have been a news and public affairs junkie since grade school. I watched the local and world news basically every day, and started watching Sunday morning political talking head shows before I was a teenager. I was a hopeful, idealistic youngster raised on the ideals of Christianity, Mister Rogers, Reading Rainbow, and Sesame Street. The late 90s began to erode my idealism, nevertheless I left for college believing strongly in the nationalistic ideals our public schools strive so mightly to instill. America is the land of the free and home of the brave, and western civilization has been on a relentless march toward individual liberty, capitalism, and technological advancement for the last 3000 years.
I served as a missionary for the LDS church in October of 2000 and returned from France in October 2002. You’ll notice those dates put me out of the country for a fairly pertinent date in 21st century American history. I came home to a very different country than I left. Part of that assessment is certainly my changing perceptions of the world, and part of that must actually be true. To be honest part of me has never felt completely at home in the USA since returning. I think this plays a role in my angst that I’ve not really fully vocalized. So here we go.
For those who aren’t LDS / Mormon / Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (the current preferred nomenclature) a fairly common expression of our faith is the idea that if you have something good and true it should be shared. This idea prompts many / possibly the (vast?) majority of young LDS men to volunteer to serve as missionaries. Missionaries do not choose the location of their service, we are assigned. I was assigned to serve in western France. The thing about being a Mormon Missionary in western France is that despite the fact that my service area included something like 30 million people, not very many people wanted to or were even willing to talk to me most days. Those who did were often from very humble, and very different backgrounds than what you might expect if you imagine France is full of beret wearing, mustachioed, white skinned mimes. Generally speaking the people willing to talk to me in France had their roots in Africa. It turns out France had many colonies there and so there are plenty of French from Algeria, Tunisia, Morocco, Mali, Gabon, Senegal, Benin, and The Congos (Kinshasa and Brazzaville). In reality at some point in time as a missionary I met and spoke with someone from just about every country on the globe. The bottom line is my understanding of the world changed a lot. I feel like it might be good to run down a few, but far from an exhaustive list of insights I gained through these interactions.
Systemic racism is real
The French, after learning I was from Texas, would often talk about how terrible the racism problem in the US was while denying any possibility for racism in their borders. The fact that technically race doesn’t even officially exist in France was commonly trotted out as proof that they had moved beyond this terrible problem. The reasoning went: if there is no race, there can be no racism. A very extreme, and codified version of the “post-racial” and “colorblind” point of view that is popular in the US. The problem I saw then, and that has been pointed out many times since is that young people with names traditionally associated with French of African descent are far less likely to even get called regarding employment than French with traditional European French names despite equivalent resumes. It can’t be racist because EVERYONE can ONLY be French, but the patterns of missed opportunity are clear. About 10 years ago the northeast side of Paris was rocked by riots and protest. The origins of those protests were the lack of opportunity and state sanctioned violence for French people of color. Those riots exposed the lie that humans can liberate themselves from bias by pretending it doesn’t exist, and when it happened it didn’t surprise me one bit. I’d lived in northeastern Paris. I’d walked those streets and talked with those people. The funny, and sad thing is I once lived under the impression racism no longer existed in any real way in my country too.
Imperialism Sucks
While some will claim immigration from these African and other nations that at one time were French colonies has/is damaging France and Europe I see it as a very mild form of reaping what one sews. Why is it that the populations look to France as their land of opportunity, why do these people speak French anyway? That’s right. The French showed up on their shores with cannons, and rifles, and used their might to impose a government on them while extracting wealth from their people and land. Only when the enterprise became unprofitable in terms of Francs and French lives did they depart. Hastily. Leaving unstable governing apparatus behind leading to many failed states. French Indochina was one such colony. In the wake of WW2 the victorious allies liberated many countries overtaken by the NAZIs, Japanese, and Italians, but France generally elected to keep her colonies. The Indochinese, like all people, chafed under this oppression, and eventually became problematic and the French looked to depart. By this time the cold war was on and competing political ideologies within the new nation were backed by the nations dominating world affairs. You and I know this proxy conflict as the Vietnam War. 30 years of conflict with who knows how many Vietnamese, French, and American lives lost all for the economic gain of the few and a proxy war for the powerful. This is one of many times this sad story is repeated throughout history, but one would think the sheer number of times it happened in the 20th century alone would have taught the world a lesson. Coming home to non-stop rhetoric about invading a country under the auspices of self-defense, while simultaneously claiming that the war would be easy, and quick because of the weakness of the native opponent, and told the effort would be inexpensive because we would profit from an abundant, valuable natural resource that just so happened to be the thing the President and Vice President made their money in the private sector from felt like a disaster waiting to happen. The fact that we still have troops giving their lives in Afghanistan and the middle east 20 years later makes me feel like my skepticism was warranted/correct. 21-year-old me opposed the war in Iraq, but I had a difficult time explaining my point of view in post 9/11 America because I was absent on the morning of September 11 2001.
Islamophobia is Bullshit
As I mentioned above I lived on the northeast side of Paris for several months. As this area was the home of anti-racism / anti-police violence protests you can correctly assume there are not a majority of beret wearing white French people there. I don’t know the exact demographics of France’s 93rd district, but I’d be willing to guess the percentage of people whose national origins are from beyond current French borders is something north of 90% (The numbers in wikipedia might lead you to believe otherwise, but remember you can only officially be French or not French) . I’d also be willing to guess the percentage of the population who practice Islam was north of 70%. I lived in Montreuil on the northeast side of Paris from July to November 2001. That is to say on the day many Americans were introduced to violent Islamic extremism I was literally surrounded by practitioners of Islam. Because of the rotation of the Earth 9/11 happened in the early afternoon for me. I was walking down a Parisian street when a stranger walked up to me and told me someone had flown planes “into Wall Street”. This was certainly unexpected. He was one of those wild-eyed folks that you don’t always take seriously. As I walked by the Gare du Nord I overheard the news from the open doors of many waiting taxis. I walked up the stairs to the west of the train station to a brasserie. It was in this small, uncharming bar that I saw the twin towers fall. The moment was certainly jarring, and one I have clearly not forgotten. However, it wasn’t first thing in the morning, and those tragic events did not instantly cancel everything in the rest of the world that day. I don’t remember what other appointments I had that afternoon, but I know that I had them, and kept them. Another thing to know is that, in an effort to minimize distractions for flakey 19-21 year old dudes, LDS missionary apartments generally don’t have TVs and in the relatively early days of the internet didn’t have computers either. So, I wasn’t constantly bombarded with traumatic images over the following days and weeks. Word came down from Salt Lake City that evening that unless otherwise instructed or given permission missionaries should confine themselves to their apartments until further notice. My Mission President, the man charged with overseeing the efforts of nearly 200 young missionaries in an area stretching from the Champagne region east of Paris, all the way out to Bretagne on the far western coast, and all the way down Limoges and St Rochelle on the northern end of Bordeaux vineyard country, was a former Navy JAG lawyer. The rumor in our mission was he had taken part in counter-terrorism investigations prior to his retirement and so was professionally aware of Islamic extremism. It is interesting to note that when I called him the next morning and asked permission to leave my apartment and travel via city bus through a suburb populated primarily of muslim French to go visit a park on the morning of September 12th he said “If you feel safe, then be careful, and call your zone leader when you get back”. I will never forget the events of that bus ride.
There I was a white skinned Mormon missionary dressed just like we all dress. White shirt, slacks, tie, and black name tag standing on an RATP bus filled with muslims on September 12th. While the LDS Church is a worldwide organization and the majority of its membership has been beyond the borders of the US for many years, Americans still make up the single largest nationality within the church. So, if muslims are as a general rule anti-American, and disposed toward violence, then when a couple of LDS missionaries are the only white dudes on the bus the day after one of the most visible terrorist attacks against the west might have presented a very easy target to push those desires and agenda further. What actually happened is that several random strangers spoke to my companion and me and offered their condolences and wanted to make sure we knew those men in the planes were not true practitioners of their faith. This went on for a while. At one stop, after those looking to make their thoughts known had settled back into the silence that often accompanies public transit ridership a man got on the bus. He was probably in his late 50s or early 60s. He saw us, and walked toward us, and when he was about 10 feet away made a comment along the lines of “Americans got what they deserved yesterday”. As he said this about 10 people stood up and chastised him while corralling him toward the bus exit. He was off at the next stop. It was a kind gesture I’ll never forget. The city was quieter and more subdued for weeks after the attacks. We were asked to not wear our white shirts and ties for awhile. It was fascinating to travel “incognito” during that time. Eventually life resumed something close to normal. The thing about this experience is this: it doesn’t refute the notion that Islamic Extremism exists. Clearly. The east side of Paris has since been home to its own high-profile terrorist attacks. That big shootout in St Denis after one of the attacks took place around the corner from where the missionary apartment was during my time in Paris. There are close to one billion muslims in the world and to generalize about that many people from the behavior of a small number is bullshit. I had known muslims growing up. One of my very close friends in high school was muslim. I sat next to Mohammed in World History, Anatomy and we were Academic Decathlon teammates. He was/is a great guy, and to be surrounded for months in that way at that time is to know with a high degree of certainty that “they” do NOT hate our freedom. “They” do not wish us harm. “They” are not looking to take over our country and impose sharia law. “They” can and do live alongside us in a pluralistic society. Clearly, the lesson I learned from 9/11 was a bit different from what many Americans learned that day. After returning home I was asked by some people who learned about my experience working with and among so many muslims, “why do you think they hate us?”. The question caught me off guard me because I knew the premise was faulty. “They” as a general rule don’t hate us. I’m no expert on the subject, but I imagine those that do have a mixture of reasons, but the list likely involves poverty, lack of opportunity, and manipulation and distortion of their faith, some of the reasons white nationalists hate.
Ethno-Nationalism is also bullshit
Hopefully I successfully convinced you that France is a more diverse place than you might imagine if you’ve never been there. In the Spring of 2002 Jacques Chirac was re-elected to a second term as France’s President. I remember thinking it was strange to be there because I remembered learning of his election in my 8th grade French class in 1995. I remember thinking “a 7-year term of office was kind of long, I mean he’d be up for re-election in what? 2002? That’s a long time from now”. I never really thought I’d actually travel or live in France so realizing I was there during that next Presidential campaign was kinda surreal. I’m not exactly sure how elections work in France, but it felt like 10-12 parties ran candidates that year. If I recall correctly these things typically come down to a more left-leaning socialist party and a more right-leaning conservative party. Both of these groups would be left of center by US standards. A shocking thing happened that spring. Jacques Chirac ended up in a run-off against Jean-Marie LePen. LePen was the head of a party called Le Front National. The tenets of the FN will sound familiar. They advocate for French withdrawal from the EU, and NATO, they advocate for strict border control, protectionist tariffs, and are against immigration and some in the party have supported the idea of “remigration” (returning legal immigrants to their country of origin). Any of this sound familiar? These ideas just so happened to come along with down-playing the atrocities of the Holocaust, and a tagline of France for the French. The thing is when your country shows up across the oceans with cannons and guns and extracts riches from a land you have no traditional connection to and claim that land is in actual fact “France”, and in an attempt to justify such obviously wrong behavior you’ve also declared that therefore those people are French you don’t have the strongest position to say that they and their children are immigrants to France. Also, once they have arrived you can’t genuinely claim they aren’t “French”. After all you’ve eliminated the problem of racism and ethnicity by officially eliminating race and ethnicity. So the slogan makes no sense. It’s obvious what Jean-Marie LePen meant with his slogan. The French knew it. While a sizeable minority lifted him above the other parties into the run-off, in the end he was resoundingly defeated. His not so well coded racism is the big reason why. Trust me I was there for the demonstrations.
20 years ago all the ideas that Donald Trump hammered to victory in 2016 and that characterized his agenda over the past 4 years were present in the FN platform. Also, like Donald Trump they came blanketed with not so subtle racist language about France for the French. There’s been lots of talk about “Real Americans” over the past few years. Based on my prior experience and others in world history It doesn’t shock me that isolationism, protectionist economic policy, border control and immigration limitation, along with floating the idea of revoking birthright citizenship came along with an appeal to “Real Americans”. I won’t get into a discussion about a “nation of immigrants” and “melting pot” and diversity and freedom of expression about how and where one lives in this country because we all know that when Donald Trump, Steve Bannon, Steven Miller, Laura Ingraham, Tucker Carlson, and Sean Hannity say “Real Americans” they, like Jean-Marie Le Pen, aren’t talking about the simple identifier of legal citizenship. We can debate the merits and demerits of capitalism, socialism, globalism, free-trade, border security, social welfare, and immigration. Those are discussions reasonable people can and should have. I will not pretend to be an expert on any of these subjects. I certainly have opinions, and I’ll save them for another day, but in my mind the fact that these ideas have come at me twice wrapped in not so subtle racist language does not predispose me to accept them as good ideas or promising principles for the agenda of a free people.
So Here I am
Of course I am looking back through the lens of current American politics and with 20 years of perspective on “The War on Terror”. With 20/20 one is certain to cherry-pick specific lessons. Those are both fair criticisms of these 4 “lessons”. That said I had the experiences I had. I’ve remembered them and can draw upon them in this way for a reason. I returned home and all those post 9/11 feelings of widespread American pride, fellowship, and unity many recall were not what I experienced at all. I saw a country aggressively pursuing war in which many brave young people and innocent civilians were killed and wounded to satisfy the vanity, ambition, and greed of the powerful. I saw a country that had processed and packaged villains and successfully sold fear and fighting terrorism at the box office. I saw a country that claimed an ongoing commitment to individual liberty, but which was and remains ruled by security theater while secret FISA courts, and massive surveillance largely go unchecked. When the French opposed invading Iraq I saw Congress change the name of breakfast toast and fried potatoes, and heard a fellow student say “Who needs the French anyway? If they’re not with us they’re against us (quoting the President at the time) just drop one nuke on Baghdad and one on Paris and call it good”. It didn’t feel like the America I believed in as a kid, and sadly not much in the past 20 years has changed that assessment. The more I looked the more of our failings I saw.
Don’t get me wrong I don’t hate or even dislike America. There’s no place I’d rather be. The United States of America is a great place full of great people. We have at our disposal a wonderful place full of possibility, and the framework to foster liberty, and justice for all. It is likely that what has happened is not that America changed while I was away as much as I was disabused of some of my naïve notions and now I have a more realistic assessment of current events.
My point of view now is not that the United States is or was once upon a time a place that completely lived up to the lofty ideals enshrined in our founding documents, but that we are people engaged in a struggle to figure out what those ideas actually mean in the real world and how we create and protect the conditions for them to exist and for people to flourish. Perhaps this is why the slogan “Make America Great Again” rubs me the wrong way. By many measures more people enjoy more freedom, justice, life, and liberty while pursuing happiness than have ever done so in the history of the world. The idea that we need to move backward to some idealized time in the past seems to me to be a fundamental mischaracterization of history.
I’ve talked a lot about my time and experience in France. LDS folks will have noticed I haven’t mentioned a word about my faith and my experiences sharing it there. As I noted before, there weren’t a lot of people willing to talk to me so there aren’t all that many stories to tell. But here’s the thing: I’ve got one last lesson I learned as a missionary to share.
A fundamental part of my understanding of Christianity is the idea of repentance and reconciliation. Repentance is a fancy word for change: seeing the past with new eyes and moving in a new direction. It requires reflection, honesty, and recognition of the need to change. It then requires a lot of uncomfortable hard work in actually changing: admission of guilt, seeking forgiveness, making amends, and actually figuring out how to live with the changed behavior. Reconciliation. The process is difficult. You have to be vulnerable and recognize and submit to valid criticism. You have to be willing to let go of part of who you are, or who you thought you were and become someone new. Anyone who has done it knows how hard it is, and how rewarding it can be. Anyone who has helped and watched another go through it feels a wonderful sense of fellowship and love. Its how missionaries stay sane out there. The best way I can articulate the discomfort I’ve felt over the past 20 years is that I was, and continue to become more aware of my own and our collective need to repent as a nation.
I know for some folks that language sounds a lot like the talk of Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson, and I’m aware of that. However I would clarify my words to say that the areas for repentance I see do not demand we move backward to a time of fewer liberties, and less justice, but that we recognize our current and past ills and move forward and reconcile ourselves with the ideals of Liberty, and Justice. Ultimately this is why I found Donald Trump so absolutely revolting. He appears to me to be completely incapable of repentance and reconciliation. He was and remains completely unacceptable as a leader. Anyone who is incapable of seeing the need for change in themselves is incapable of leading a nation to do so. The capacity for repentance and reconciliation is generally in short supply, its hard, and is certainly difficult to find in those seeking powerful positions. But I have never seen anyone before less capable of the process than him, and I certainly hope to never see anything like him again.
MaximumKungFu 
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